Broken Memories
by Lilac Lenalee
Summary: Bluestar feels insanity's grip tighter than ever before. Can she handle such intense feelings as they destroy her mind? Inspired by a beautiful picture drawn by Spottedfire94 on DeviantART; here's the link: http://spottedfire94./art/Memories-127205891


"Bluestar, these will help you feel better," Cinderpelt insisted with a quiet demeanor. She nudged a pawful of herbs toward her leader. "I swear by StarClan they will."

StarClan. The very thought of them made Bluestar's pelt ripple in heated mistrust, the blood sliding through her body pressuring her to snap like a broken bone at the nearest cat victim; she lashed her tail crossly, glaring death at the pile of herbs. Cinderpelt's eyes maximized till they resembled two hollow moons, glistening with freshly spewed anxiety. "I'm sorry, Bluestar. Perhaps I should leave you alone for a bit?"

The medicine cat's kind offer only further fueled Bluestar's budding anger, and with a cold glare she stung Cinderpelt's innocent face. "Yes."

Bluestar watched in wretched resentment as she limped out of sight, then let free a shaky sigh. Deep down, she knew Cinderpelt had done nothing wrong. It was StarClan who had so blatantly used her, tricked her, forced her to tear her life apart until no amount of time could cure her depressive heartache. It wasn't her fault that Cinderpelt, along with her other Clanmates, so naively worshipped the fox-hearted traitors that blinked sardonically down from the swatch of Silverpelt.

Adrenaline antagonized her mobility as Bluestar flung the neatly piled herbs out of sight, sending their aromatic contents scattering across her den like flower petals taken hostage by the breeze. Her heavy breaths shook her body, sending rage infused spasms coursing down her spine till she spat with cold-hearted fury. Swinging her head around, Bluestar blankly eyed her once friendly, comforting den. Now it seemed like a barren hole of loneliness, barricading her in its isolating solitude till she inwardly screamed for company.

"Why are you doing this to me?" Bluestar hissed to her airless surroundings, swinging her head wildly from side to side as if the victim of her unexpected accusation was lurking within the shadow choked crevices encircling her. A nameless presence seemed to be mocking her, leaching at her sanity till her mind could barely distinguish the difference between it and the lunacy that camouflaged flawlessly inside her head. The relentless rhythm of her heart felt like it was cracking all her ribs in one bone-splintering rumble, and her breath was soon coming out in oppressive gasps.

Like a kit taking its first steps, Bluestar made her way to the very back corner of her den, its shady drapery of gloom grinning at her like a creeping enemy. A deeply buried secret lay untouched in its depths, safely buried beneath mounds of rotted leaves and sunless dirt. Bluestar pawed at the cleverly hidden pile, it's weaker outside contents tumbling down its curvy surface in rugged freedom. Slowly, a luminescent object poked out of the gritty dirt, and Bluestar felt her breath catch like a regurgitated shard of bone in her throat; it was still there, unchanged by its earthy capsule.

Unconsciously Bluestar's muscles summoned her to pick up the exposed item. It dangled from around her paw like a glittering band of dewdrops, and a half-star pendant hung heavily at its arched bottom. The ThunderClan leader delicately placed the decoration around her neck, and it sat confidently atop her fluffed out chest. As if all her rage had been confined temporarily within the tri-pointed pendant, Bluestar headed towards the light rimmed opening of her den, the sounds of the distant forest beckoning her away from captivity.

The clearing was almost completely empty, blanketed drowsily in a wash of midnight blue dimness as the night waxed on. Trees stood as still as stunned prey, as if they were gawking at Bluestar's unexpected entrance. Only Cinderpelt hobbled near the outside of her den, looking up in surprise as Bluestar trotted straight past her towards the ravine.

"Bluestar, you should be—" but the female warrior continued making her way for the camp entrance, purposely ignoring Cinderpelt's worried queries. A destination had been implanted subconsciously into her mind, and she planned on making it there no matter what her Clanmates might say.

Bluestar leaped into the cool forest air, relishing the scent of wild prey and budding plants. The secretive necklace she wore seemed to draw her onwards, pulling her farther and farther away from the protection of the camp. Like an unexpected ray of sunshine the threat of Tigerstar engulfed all her thoughts, but the persistent sway of the necklace distracted her, hypnotizing her into an unsteady mindset of security. Her warrior ancestors glittered brilliantly above, turning her pelt to a shiny blue-silver, but to Bluestar, they seemed like cold heartless eyes gleaming down at her in traitorous hostility.

The wind gently stroked her whiskers, bringing with it the fishy scent of RiverClan scent marks. Bluestar focused her eyes interpretatively, and the pale crystal tongue of the river slithered before her, the reeds outlined darkly against the nighttime backdrop. She felt the starry pendant begin to grow warm, diffusing its comforting rays throughout her body till it made her heart race with unexplainable exhilaration. Her mind was scanning through long forgotten memories, images of their splendor flashing through Bluestar's mind jubilantly before disappearing back into unremembered abyss. But one memory in particular slid into her eyes, forcing her to give in to its weight and sit down on the cool grass. She felt her paws neatly fold, their tips just resting against the lapping gush of river water before her, as she surrendered herself to the grasp of the resurrected memory patiently floating in her mind.

"_This Gathering is over!" Crookedstar screeched, and as he jumped down from the Great Rock a simultaneous flow of cats followed him towards their designated camps. All eyes were glazed in perplexed worry, while deputies glared at one another with barely controlled aggression. The Clan leaders were very eager to get back to the safety of their camps, given away only by the mistrusting glint swallowing their eyes. _

_Bluestar stalked towards her bristling Clanmates, looking them over with a critical eye. With the slightest of head nods she commanded them all to leave the hollow, and like the gathering of a distant storm they swarmed as one, padding hurriedly up the hill. _

"_Bluestar."_

_The ThunderClan leader whipped her head around, ears turning circles in their guarded attempt to locate the whispering follower they now had. She analyzed the clearing, but mobs of cats were still marching like ant armies under the moon's creamy spotlight. _

_With a hint of uncertainty Bluestar began leading her Clan again, raising her head even higher to prove just how intimidating she could look. Then, she heard her name again, tainted in an urgent humor Bluestar could vaguely dissect with her straining ears. She gave a swift call to her deputy, Redtail, and he came hurrying over to her, eyes nervously reflecting the moonlight. _

"_Redtail, take the lead for me," Bluestar mewed promptly, itching to find her follower. "I have some . . . business I must attend to." _

"_Of course, Bluestar," Redtail agreed trustingly, and with an authoritative flick of his crimson tail the Clan filed behind him, the light of the night painting contorted black shadows with their bodies._

_Bluestar gave one last wary look at them, then darted into the bushes next to her, as flat against the ground as she could possibly make herself. She crawled her way deeper into the grassy carpet, but stopped dead when she heard a tepid rustling from just beside her._

"_Bluestar, over here."_

_Nerves pinching in suspicion, Bluestar pawed her way towards the voice, her claws tearing at the supple greenleaf undergrowth below her belly. Suddenly she felt a bushy tail sweep across her back, and with a start she twisted around, only to come face to face with Oakheart. _

"_Oakheart," Bluestar tried to hiss a greeting, but it came out more of an awkward squeak. Based on the amused ripple of his whiskers, the handsome deputy had not failed to notice this. Bluestar felt her feet root into the ground. "We cannot be seen like this."_

_The twinkle in Oakheart's eyes was dissolved by a glimmer of serious replacement. "Do you think I don't know that?" The pain slinking through his deep amber eyes reminded Bluestar just how much their agreement left him crippled in heartache. "I have something for you, though."_

_Bluestar forced an annoyed sigh from her lungs, barely able to ignore the fast-growing impulse to run up to Oakheart and nuzzle him. Time seemed to freeze around them, circling them in an icy embrace that was only warmed by the continual beating of their hearts. It all came crashing down in a shower of thorn sharp ice when Bluestar realized how wrong this was. "Make it quick then; I've got a Clan to lead."_

"_Edgy as always," Oakheart purred, and Bluestar had to turn her head away before her legs gave out under his sun-warm gaze. She felt something cold slide down her neck fur, and nearly jumped when she found Oakheart only a whisker away from her face. "It reminded me of you."_

_Voice now paralyzed useless, Bluestar gaped down at the foreign object dangling from her neck. Half a star clung to a string of what looked like solid raindrops, glittering a magnificent royal blue. She looked up at the striking tom before her, eyes sparkling in unconcealed adoration. "Oakheart, what. . . how. . ."_

"_I found it," Oakheart answered simply, his unwavering gaze sticking to Bluestar like sap. "Probably some item a Twoleg dropped. But the way it shimmered beneath the stars, the way it reflected the water . . ." he took a longing step towards her, but his muscles seemed to warn him of how far he had gone. "It's just like you."_

_Bluestar felt like she could've stayed that way forever, gazing into his golden amber eyes that were like circular gateways to his soul. She felt the kind, loving words hide in her throat, too shy to show themselves as she stood with her mouth gaping like a hole in a tree. Oakheart merely laughed with his eyes, and took a daring pace forward as he licked Bluestar tenderly atop her forehead. "I must leave now." His words seemed to make Bluestar's heart exercise harder. "Farewell, my beloved."_

Bluestar's eyes fluttered open, and the gentle lullaby of the river hummed dreamily at her pawtips. That was the last time she had ever spoken to Oakheart. The thought shook her to her feet, and she glanced reflectively across the liquid barrier that had separated the two for so many moons. She could still picture him there, eyeing her with those cocky gold discs that could destroy her patience in a single blink. _But he walks with StarClan now. . _. 

Icy cold anger pulsed through Bluestar's body as she thrust her head violently up towards the sky, glaring at Silverpelt with more frosty hostility than in the coldest of leafbares. "Why did you let this happen?" she snarled venomously. The stars winked at her in silent contempt, as if tempting her to say more.

Instead, Bluestar resignedly flopped to the ground, her old age hitting her like a harsh wind. She stared with a blank sadness at the calm water, the bottom edge of her pendant skating across the surface in peaceful tranquility. Her rage slowly slipped away into the pores of the riverbed, until she felt weak and hollow. "Why. . ."

_Because StarClan had faith in you, Bluestar._

The frail leader lifted her head, startled. The pendant bumped against her chest with a shocked jerk, and drops of soothingly warm water snaked down her neck fur. There, are on the far side of the river, stood a muscular feline shadow, only exposed by the soft glitter of starshine at its paws.

Eyes bloomed wide, Bluestar felt as if a whole damn of emotions had just erupted in her body. She took an unwanted step towards the starry figure, only to feel a skin of water break beneath her wandering paw. Bluestar looked down at her ringed expression, her face waving back at her in watery crookedness.

_I had faith in you._

She looked back towards the familiar cat shape across the river, but not a trace of him remained. Forbidden feelings of love and regret filled Bluestar from ears to tail-tip, slowly emanating out of her once tightly sealed heart.

"My Clan is the only thing I have left to love, Oakheart. Watching it unravel ," Bluestar choked feebly, "is like watching my life disappear before my very eyes."

A dark silence stifled the air, and with a heavy breath Bluestar let her head drop back down towards the reflective screen of water. "I've lost so much," she whispered, her ragged breath delicately disturbing the liquid mirror beneath her. "You of all cats should know that."

The pendant of her necklace suddenly began to swirl in an elegant circle, sending a crescendo of disturbed bends across the liquid surface. Bluestar watched in calm acceptance as a contorted image stilled into focus right before her eyes, and she had to bite back a gasp as she realized it was a long forgotten memory.

There, atop the water, a blue furred she-cat beamed proudly at her three kits as they wrestled in the ThunderClan clearing, squealing and yelping with delight. The biggest of the three leapt on top of his nearest littermate, sending her rolling along the sun-kissed dirt floor like a ball of furry tumbleweed. The third kit, the smallest of the rambunctious trio, darted behind her mother's tail like a tiny bolt of blue lightning. She lifted her haunches rapidly, wiggling them from side to side in preparation to leap on her nearest target. The young queen narrowed her eyes in obvious amusement, and watched in awe as the kits she gave birth to tumbled around the camp in overly energetic joy.

The reawakened memory played on for a heartbeat longer, then shattered out of focus as the tip of Bluestar's necklace ruptured the liquid screen.

Feelings of intense grief took Bluestar's body hostage, and she hastily reached out at the watery basin in useless desire, the sight of her kits slowly blending into the cool black-blue fluid too much for her to bear. Now, all she could see was the dreadfully depressed face of a blue she-cat staring back at her, eyes blinking in cold misery.

"Those kits were my life," Bluestar breathed, barely audible over the near-silent lapping of water ripples. Her body shook from the years of motherly lust unfurling within her, nothing trying to stop it from wailing inside her now. "StarClan took them away from me."

_Every day they reminded me of you_. Oakheart's words resonated softly inside her head. As they grew quieter Bluestar's sanity began to boil, causing the crystal hued water to bounce in fearful uproar.

"Why should I listen to you," Bluestar spat, raw anger making her voice crack. "You've declared war upon my Clan alongside StarClan, therefore you're at the helm of its destruction."

_Bluestar, it's your destiny._

The blue leader laughed wretchedly, every cackle becoming more thickly steeped in long provoked insanity as it rang across the border. "Destiny!" Bluestar yowled the word as if it was the biggest joke ever, her eyes glistening in evil allegation. "Oakheart, destiny is what _did_ this to me."

She whipped around viciously, the Twoleg necklace bouncing madly against her fluffed out chest as she stormed naively into her own territory. "Time alone cannot possibly erase the misery I have housed for so many seasons." The leader's voice strained with evident pain, and every stride she took became heavier and heavier with unstoppable grief. She took a deep, unstable breath, body twitching in psychosis. "You will never know what it's like to be stared at, by the ones you have loved and nurtured, like you're an incurable disease." Bluestar let the words drop from her mouth like stones plunging into unmoving water, all the rage and depression she had been brewing finally unleashing their full effects. "You will never know what it feels like to watch in utter helplessness as your life gets torn away from you, piece by piece, till there's nothing left to live for."

Bluestar took a step forward, the wind battering apprehensively at her facial fur. Silverpelt twinkled distantly behind her, providing a backdrop of ironic juxtapose. She looked up at the sky, and it seemed to shudder in guilt. "I loved you, Oakheart. I loved my kits, my sister, my mother," she stopped, as if unsure herself of what she was blindly uttering. "I loved StarClan. But it was_ them_ who took that all away from me. And for what? So I could watch my Clan die before my very eyes? So I could watch the life I chose to live, sacrificed so much for, put so much love into, shrivel pathetically under your gaze until it turned to a mere memory?" Bluestar cast a defiant glare towards the fallen warriors who eavesdropped upon her rant, pelt bristling in such intense rage the grass seemed to shrivel beneath her paws. "I will not be guided by such cruel endeavors any longer."

With a contemptuous snort she tore far away from the watery ribbon, her sapphire eyes burning with blue fire.

_I have something for you._

Bluestar stopped her mad parade instantly. Something involuntary, something beyond her comprehension, made her turn back around and stare expectantly at the river, the spot where Oakheart always used to idle radiating in a misty glow.

"Is this really worth it, Oakheart?"

_Come and see._

Despite the raging storm careening through her body, Bluestar ran timidly towards where she had came from, a faint feeling of warmth making her paws gain speed. She came to a halt at the lip of the river, searching wildly into the distance for whatever Oakheart had brought her.

_Our daughter would like to see you._

Bluestar's neck jarred as she stood icily still for one heart stopping moment, then, she looked down into the serenely calm water before her.

Staring directly at her were two precious emerald eyes, and Bluestar felt her body quiver in unbelievable astonishment. Beautiful Mosskit glistened before her, her tiny gray and white face contoured in thick affection. An unexplainable feeling of love burned through Bluestar's pelt, and her body yearned forward in longing desperation.

"Dear, Mosskit," Bluestar choked, her words so thickly enveloped in raw bliss she could hardly speak.

_Be strong, mommy. _Mosskit's tiny little mew rang with a sadness beyond her years, and it was all Bluestar could do not to completely lose it.

"Don't l-leave me. Mosskit, d-don't ever leave me."

_Be strong._

As gravity drew Bluestar's half star pendant forcefully into the water's still surface, Mosskit's face shook into a smudged reflection. Bluestar's mouth hung open, wordlessly screaming for her daughter to come back, to stay with her, to tell her how much she loved her, but the quivering of the water did not stop to sympathize.

"She is so beautiful."

_As beautiful as her mother, _Oakheart mewed quietly, his voice trying hard to conceal its pain.

A balanced calm gripped the river, and Bluestar stared at her own reflection as it rippled back at her. It mirrored her misery, reflected her insanity, broke apart her saddened face. As if on cue the Twoleg pendant skied down Bluestar's neck, coming to a gentle stop as it dangled securely above the water's surface. Bluestar stood as still as the earth's core, gazing down at her screwed up face. And the necklace.

As she glanced down at it, illuminated brilliantly against the liquid band of reflected stars, she noticed with a start how it created one complete, glittering star.

"Oakheart, are you still there?"

_Forever and always, Bluestar._

"Good."

With a shaky jolt, as if her body was unprepared for what she was commanding it to do, Bluestar let the necklace slide off her neck, its sparkling blue exterior puncturing the water unwillingly.

"It's time I let go of my other half," Bluestar mewed, a twisted gleam of regret in her deep aqua eyes. "If StarClan can abandon me with such traitorous ease, then why can't I?"

By now the necklace was balancing precariously just above the water's top, the half-star locket now morphed into a beautiful four pointed star design. "I have felt too much grief. . ."

_Bluestar, don't let go. Think about your Clan—_

"I sacrificed everything for StarClan, Oakheart. Everything." Bluestar looked one last time at her watery reflection, her blue eyes hollowed out in remoteness."And now, the last of my loving memories will forever rest in peace at this site."

As if time was hanging on the brink of extinction, the necklace submerged itself into the diamond blue water, followed next by the string of jewels that had held on to it for so long. "Loneliness is all I have now."

Bluestar watched as her necklace, the one Oakheart had given her so many seasons ago, the one that held onto the last traces of her loving memories, sunk deeper into the depths of the liquid starshine. It gave one last sparkle, as if pleading to be saved from its watery prison, then, as deep blue shadow fogged the bottom, it sunk into lonely abyss, tiny claws of darkness twirling up from where it had been devoured so gracefully.

"Goodbye, my beloved."


End file.
